I don't eat snacks during films because I don't want my attention divided. Not even "chill pills". ;)

Furthermore, I go to the cinema alone most of the time. Definitely my preferred choice (unless my wife comes with me). A much underrated pleasure as it means I don't feel an obligation to deliver a half-baked opinion on what I've just watched directly afterwards, as I prefer to let a film simmer in my consciousness first. (When I met my wife, we went to see the almost unbearably moving Life is Beautiful and didn't speak a word to one another afterwards, all the way home - that was one of many signs I'd found someone with whom I wanted to spend the rest of my life.)

Also, as someone who is extremely intolerant of bad behaviour in cinemas (there's a special place in the infernal realms for those inconsiderate, entirely lacking in self-awareness cretins who treat the cinema like their sitting room and natter away, or worse, use their phones and create interminable light pollution), I agree with you that Nachos are the Devil and should never be permitted in cinemas (same with pizzas, etc). Go to a restaurant if you want to eat a proper meal. Popcorn is generally fine, but I despise rustle-o-matic sweet wrappers or bags, especially when the aforementioned inconsiderate neanderthals decide to wait until the most quiet, emotional moment of a film to start rustling.

This was an amusing piece, by the way. Thank you. :)