Some interesting contradictions in this piece: For example, the idea of a gun to your head in the form of poverty yet you state you loved your profession. It's a fascinating contrast, and I love that your refuse to offer simplistic or easy explanations. People are complicated, and you are a fascinating case in point.

Also the central theme - of being in love with the idea of you, the image, the character, the performance, etc - is extremely relatable as someone who has fallen in love with characters in films, at times. It won't surprise you to learn Vertigo is one of my favourites, given the themes it contains. And yes, the saviour complex is psychologically fascinating. I am very aware I experience it at times, though only once to romantic ends (with my wife, but that's another story). :)