Some vitally important truths here. I do think it is unhealthy to define oneself by traumatic incidents in one's past, because maximising them in that way divorces them from any context, and as you say, the memory cheats.

There are extremely painful things in my past that I will never write about, ever. Nor do I talk about them, and only a couple of people know the full truth. But with God's help, I have learned to see this history in context, I have forgiven those responsible (for my benefit), and I refuse to be defined by these things.