To atone for my sins, I'm going to offer readers two apologies to choose from.

First, the John Cleese from A Fish Called Wanda apology:

"I'm really really sorry. I apologise unreservedly. I offer a complete and utter retraction. The imputation was totally without basis in fact, and was in no way fair comment, and was motivated purely by malice, and I deeply regret any distress that my comments may have caused you, or your family, and I hereby undertake not to repeat any such slander at any time in the future."

Second, here's the celebrity social media apology:

"I apologise for all the offence and pain I've caused. These attitudes were wrong then and they're wrong now. I'm going to take some time to reflect and do better."